Over the years, I have had my share of friends some good and some not so good. In my younger years, I truly believed that the more friends you had the more happier you would be....boy was I wrong. I was introduced to lies, gossip and deceit at a very young age. Sadly, this came from those who I thought were my friends. I use to sit in my room thinking what did I do wrong but the realization was that it wasn't me but them who had the real problem. I spent a lot of lonely nights in my room wondering if there was something wrong with me. Why? Because I just kept allowing the same type of people into my life. Was I desperate, lonely or just plain stupid.....maybe. But at the end of the day I guess all I ever wanted was just to feel loved.
As I grew older, I started to realize that I needed to stop being so naive and stop letting people walk all over me. Sadly, I had to cut everyone out of my life that I knew weren't any good for me. Did this help...sure it did. Unfortunately, It was a painful process as I sheltered myself off from the world. I was tired of the lies, deceit and trying to fit in where I didn't belong. But looking back the most painful part was the lies people would tell about me. Even when I tried to defend myself it's like everyone made up their mind and the truth just meant absolutely nothing to them. I just couldn't believe that these particular people had so much evil in their hearts. Sadly, my self-esteem was at an all time low as I just felt I wasn't good enough. It was like no one cared whether I lived or died.
Unfortunately, I gave up on everything including life itself which resulted in me ending up in a really dark place. Sadly, I just grew tired of fighting for my life as after I stop caring and it seemed that everyone else stopped or they just never cared in the first place. It took quite awhile for me to get out of this funk and unfortunately longer for me to start to trust people again. Once I finally started to trust again it ended up being the biggest mistake of my life. I started dating this guy and he ended up abusing me in the worst way possible both physically and mentally. I became even more withdrawn as I didn't have the self-esteem to stand up for myself. I allowed myself to be belittled and basically tortured on a daily-basis as I honestly believe if I stayed he will eventually love me. But this simply was not the case.
Sadly, while I was with this person my dad passed away and everything just started to fall apart even more. I lost my best friend and the only person who I felt really understood me my dad. At this point, the guy I was with tried to kill me and the daughter we shared together just two days after my dad passed away. He went over to her first and held a knife to her tiny little throat and said you and her will be seeing your dad soon B*****. The first thing I did was prayed to GOD and took whatever I saw and threw it at him. He feel back and I picked up my baby girl and ran for dear life. Once the police arrived they acted as though they didn't care nor did our lives matter to them. So they allowed him stay even though I told them he attempted to take me and my little girls life. At this point I just felt everyone was against me even those who are suppose to be protecting me. Giving that I already felt alone in this world this incident surely made things much worst.
The only thing I had left was the love for my daughter and a prayer that we made out of the dangerous situation safely. So my motherly instinct made me bow down to my knees and basically beg for my life. I begged and pleaded with both the officers that showed up that evening to just simply help me and their cold response was she is just suffering from postpartum depression.. are you kidding me. I know that I did have some depression but I think I know when someone is threatening me and my daughters life. But as with many abusers he just knew all the right things to say which left me looking crazy or delusional. So I begged just get me a cab they replied you just need some rest and things will be better in the morning.... ummm no it won't. So, one of the officers did call after I cried and screamed for somebody to just please help me. Please note this incident did happen 14 years ago today which was 2/27.
I never thought I would ever be pleased so see a cab in my life but I was. This wonderful guy whom I wish I can thank today didn't charge me any fair as he seen the bad condition that I was in. Sadly, after arriving to my designation I took every dime I had and moved out of the state I was in. Did this help no and I'll tell you why my family turned their backs on me in the worst way possible which cause my newly born baby and I to live on the streets. This was truly the worst time in my life as we had to literally eat at soup kitchens and wait in long lines to get shelter for the night. I don't wish this on anyone. Given that I was in a State that wasn't very familiar to me I had absolutely no where to turn. But I knew I couldn't come back because I feared that if he found us we wouldn't be here today.
Thankfully, a stranger I met at the soup kitchen which I still believe is my angel gave me $500 and took my daughter and I to the Salvation Army for women and children. I stayed there for a little over 4 months and the people I met their were truly amazing. I finally begin to start to trust people again and learned that family can come in all forms. Here I forgave myself and learned that I needed to love myself first which I did. This made me become a strong mother for my child as I knew I had to do what I needed to do for her. Finally I came back and took charge of my life and learned to toughen up my skin.
Then shortly after my return, I met my husband Dewain and believe it or not it was truly love at first site. With him, I learned to love and trust again and for once something was going right for me. His motivation and love put me on the right path of freedom and for that I thank him. Unfortunately, I still don't have many friends which is okay as I'm happy being a mother, wife and most importantly a woman. I never shared this with anyone as I kept this in for all these years. I just feel that my story can help others overcome abuse, being bullied, unloved know that it's not your fault. I know first hand how it feels as I went through it all and as I type this in tears just know that if you need someone to talk to I'm here for you no matter what. And I do mean this from the bottom of my heart.
The reason why I am telling you all this is because for the past few months this has been weighing heavily on my heart as truly I never really healed as I kept it all inside, even my husband don't know any of this but as of tonight I will tell him as now I want to be 100% free.
So if you are reading this in it's entirety please know it's not for sympathy it's just to give others a voice. And to let everyone know that what you do or say to someone can make a big impact on someones life. Take me as an example my life was affected by name calling and taunting to where I almost gave it up. No one and I mean no one should ever have to experience this it not cute nor is it funny. However, I did leave a lot out due to some of it is just to painful to relive. But please think about how you treat someone as you never know how your words can affect their life.
Maybe one day I will share the rest with you all as some of it is much worst than already stated but for now I will leave it at this.
I'm the perfect example on what hateful words can do to someone.
Thanks for listening!
May God bless you and your family. Don't worry- the best is yet to come!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your comment! I believe in my heart that the worst in now behind me so their is only room now for happiness. I don't wish this on anyone as pain is sometime the hardest thing to get past.
ReplyDeleteI hope you have a wonderful evening and may god bless you too.
Now you know that you can endure the worst and survive. I have tears in my eyes as i type this too and my heart aches for want you went through but am also sitting here in awe at what a strong woman and mother you are - it was always there inside you and you just needed to find it and trust it - I just went through the lowest of lows with my teenage daughter and understand how you were feeling as she was there too. thank you for sharing as it's comforting to know that we are not alone.
ReplyDeleteYou were incredibly brave to escape your situation and go off alone with your baby. I'm so glad you have found happiness. Hopefully, your experience will give others the strength they need to also escape their abusive situation.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your story. I, too, went through an incredibly abusive marriage where I was beaten, verbally and mentally abused, and even sexually abused. I even had a gun pointed at me more than once. I was totally isolated from family, I wasn't allowed to have friends, and I was taking care of my baby boy (now almost 11) at the time. To this day, I still struggle with feelings of inferiority after basically being brainwashed by a monster for so many years. I never feel "good enough", and even though I am now remarried to an amazing and kind man and have 2 more babies, it's still hard...I still hear a voice that tells me I am nothing. I am even a recovering bulimic because of this. Words DO hurt, and they can affect someone for the rest of their lives in ways someone who hasn't gone through this can't even imagine. I am so glad that you are in a much better place now, and that you made it out of that situation. God bless you for having that kind of strength. Leaving was the scariest thing I ever did, but it was so worth it. Thanks so much for sharing your story. It made me cry, since I can completely relate. God bless you and your family!
ReplyDeleteBrandy
http://newlycrunchymamaof3.com
Thank you so much for sharing your story. May your words help others who need reassurance that they can get through the tough times.
ReplyDeleteAlthough our stories are not exactly alike, they're similar in that I was beaten down and abused verbally by my ex-husband in such a way that I thought I had no place in life. I hit rock bottom when I left him but my life is now at a much, much better place. Keep your head high and strong.
Aww...This story brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for getting your daughter (and yourself) out of that situation. These monstrous men are so self absorbed and cowardly. They don't care about the long term effects even if they do realize them. I have been that little girl. I wish my Mom had been as strong as you. Don't get me wrong, I love her and my dad has changed and not hurt her in 21 years. He never hurt us physically. However the long term effects on child witnesses can be severe and last a lifetime. I know. Thank you again for getter her away.
ReplyDeleteSayJay
sayjay@mommymademe.com
www.mommymademe.com
It takes a lot to re-build and restore self-esteem and trust in others after abusive environments or relationships. I am over 40 and am just now realizing that I have ended up in abusive situations, or relationships, since I was just a toddler. And now that I've removed myself from it, I am feeling a lot of anger that was behind the fear. Reflecting the *truth* of your worth back to yourself is really difficult at first but the foundation it creates is authentic, and then you begin to realize (as you say in the beginning of this post) that the bad stuff was more about the other people, not a reflection of you. Of course when you are young, you suppose just about everything around you is a reflection somehow of who you are, which is why it can be so damaging and permeating. I found this post completely by accident today while looking up recipes for hair rinses; someone had it on their site. Seems I was meant to read it. Thank you for sharing; I applaud your courage!
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